I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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