I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
