I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
