May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
