mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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