Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize