I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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