So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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