Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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