i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
