Where are you?
In a non slutty way
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
