I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
