she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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