getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
