At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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