I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
