If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize