Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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