Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
