do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
