Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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