No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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