I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
