I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
