i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we're making bets on your personal life
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
