Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
