i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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