Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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