I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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