So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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