Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
