Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
