I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
