I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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