his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
