It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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