I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
