Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
