So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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