my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
