sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
