you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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