If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
