i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
