Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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