I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize