so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
