he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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