My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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