I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
