Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
