Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
