There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
