She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
