I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize