It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
