I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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