im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
