Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
