Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
