Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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