The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
