im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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