When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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