Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
