it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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