I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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