WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
