I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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