i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
