I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
