I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
