so that wasnt chicken after all
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
